Title: Bling Blingin’ Luv
Author: Naughty Mc’Naught and Smutty Buddy
Warnings: The whole thing, man... It’s D/H, but NOT the D/H you’re used to. Dean/Hagrid.... rape... bestiality... balloon sex.... ughhh....
A/N: You. Like. It.
I gets no love.
It’s the damn truth. The white wizard’s always lookin’ to hold me down. I ain’t a hater - nah, fool. There’s just no talk of a BLACK wizard. And if there is - he’s always EVIL. Why they makin’ the black wizard EVIL?
IT’S HATE, MOTHERFUCKER! That’s why!
I don’t even know who I brought to the Yule Ball that night during 6th year. Some boring bitch who was expecting me to service her afterwards, no doubt. They tried to make the Yule Ball *different* that year. It took place on a fly cruise ship in the middle of the lake, you know, where the giant squid is at. You know what I’m sayin’? The damn boat was too big though, so all it did was float pathetically in one spot.
It’s not a very big lake.
So there I was, annoyed, filled with rage, whatever you want to label me as. I was a lonely bitch. I ditched my bitch, er, date and sauntered outside on the ship deck for some of that fresh air stuff. As soon as I got out there, I walked right into Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy goin’ at it. They didn’t seem to notice me.
“Shit, crackas!!” I yelled in their general direction. “Is everyone at this damn school GAY?”
I paused, scratched my head, and nodded miserably. Yes, even I had gay tendencies. Take it for what it’s worth, I was a minority. Shit, I was a minority of the minority... or if you really want to be accurate, I was a minority of the minority of the minority, being a black, GAY wizard. You could see me coming from a mile away.
Dragging my feet as I walked, I made my way to the back of the ship. I felt a little seasick, which was strange, being that it was a boat in a LAKE that wasn’t even moving. But I’ll cut you if you bag on me for that shit. Yeah, you know me.
I came upon some roles of rope, a stack of tires, and a crazy-mad anchor. It looked like a good place to chill behind, light up, and flop one. I jived over there like I owned the place, and took a seat in the coils of some rope. I pulled a sweet joint out of my robe pocket, stuck a pick in my ‘fro, and inhaled the smoooooth MaryJane.
“Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high...” I muttered to myself as I laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. I was about to reach down south and grab a hold of mah joystick, when I realized that I had no inspiration. I tried thinkin’ about Potter and Malfoy, but nah, that didn’t do nothin’ for me. I thought about my date, but damn, woman had the face of a gorilla. I was almost onto somethin’ HOT when I heard a noise from behind me.
“Shit,” I uttered, crawling on my haunches to see what was goin’ down. I peeped over the stack of tires and gasped at what I saw. I saw Hagrid, the GameKeeper, and Fred and George Weasley, the TwinCesters. Now, normally I want to vomit at the thought of either of these, but that night I was somehow intrigued. Hagrid seemed to be making a sort of deal with the red-headed brutes. I made myself comfy.
Perhaps this was JUST the inspiration I was lusting, er, looking for.
“So yeh two ‘ave made yerself a some sort of catalogue, yeh?”“ Hagrid bumbled, fingering the pages of the book lightly.
Fred nodded proudly. “Yup, that’s right.”
“And since we know you, and like you, we will let you have your pick of anything in the lot,” George added.
“What kind o’stuff is this here?” Hagrid wondered out loud.
“Well, it’s a special assortment of sex toys, and several ways to get yourself off without the help of a lover,” Fred informed Hagrid blatantly.
Hagrid nodded seriously, and opened the catalogue to a certain section. “What’s this?”
“Balloon sex,” the twins said synonymously. “We can make ANYTHING out of a balloon,” crazed Fred, winking.
"Could yeh try an' make a, err... balloon Fang?" Hagrid asked shyly.
“WHY, YES!” George gayed, swish-and-flicking his wand, making a balloon animal that resembled Hagrid’s pet amazingly.
“Enjoy!” babbled Fred, as they linked arms, cupped balls, and waltzed gently away.
I gazed at Hagrid, who was holding the balloon animal Fang in his massive hands tenderly. He stroked the balloons hind quarters, and it made the noise that only a balloon can when it is stroked. Hagrid chortled, guffawed, and then began....
THE BALLOON ANIMAL!!!!
It was all too much. I buried my face in my hands and began dry-heaving. I was putting on such a dramatic show that I didn’t realize that I *liked* the display that Hagrid was so hungrily putting on. I got over myself, and peeped over the tires again, sliding mah’ smooth digits down my waistband. SHIT, was this EVER turning me on. I took a firm grasp of my wand of love, and began whacking it. I had to use two hands, cuz shit. You know what they about black dudes. I could only imagine how big Hagrid’s equipment was.
Hagrid made a moany-groany noise, and I sure answered that shit. I moaned in reply. Beating it like it was my job’.
Maybe it WAS.
Hagrid whipped out his massive cock, and I felt my eyes bug out, and my dick leaped up like some slam’dunkin’ FOOL. I heard someone walking close by. They seemed to stop on the other side of the rope coils.
I panicked, and yelled murderously, “STAY THE FUCK UP OUT MAH BIZNAZ! It’s MURDA!”
I heard them move their asses out of there.
I turned my attention back to Hagrid, who seemed to be reaching climax with that balloon of his. I leaned closer for a better look...
... and tumbled over the tires, sprawling in front of Hagrid, with my largely erect cock exposed. Hagrid was so surprised that he slammed down on the balloon animal, popping it, and the balloon pieces snapped against his junk.
We looked at each other. I turned on my smooth operator charm. “I just thought you’d be needin’ a hand there... word.”
Hagrid burst into tears. I sighed, zipped up my pants, and bopped over to Hagrid’s side. He was whimpering like a damn lil’ girl.
“He... he was... he was my PET,” Hagrid blubbered like a whale. I rolled my eyes.
“He was just a damn balloon, yo,” I reminded him.
We stared at each other.
“Alrigh’, I guess yer righ’” Hagrid said sullenly. I nodded, and dared to place one of my hands on his gargantuan shoulders. He looked up at me pathetically.
And then the signal went off in my head.
I pushed him down on the floor, and growled like a sort of growling thing. Hagrid made a cry for help, but I smacked that bitch up.
“Are you ready,” I whispered seductively, “for some brown suga?”
Hagrid made a face of terror as I threw off his huge jacket. I placed a sloppy, dripping kiss on his cod-like lips, and he continued to struggle. Normally he could take me down, but my sweltering lust was overpowering that night. I straddled him, ripped his soddy shirt right off, and beheld his rippling man-breasts and mammoth nipples. I stroked them at first, and then plunged my face down into his chest. I bit one of his nipples between my front teeth, and Hagrid made a noise of utter desperation. I didn’t care if he was a hater.
THE BITCH WAS MINE.
I quickly drew my attention away from Hagrid’s measty nipples, and licked my lips ravenously. I ripped his belt off and put it around his neck.
“NOW HEEL,” I commanded, making Hagrid get on all fours and crawl around. I spanked the hell out of him, shit, I made him fucking BEG. Even though he didn’t, well, I like to pretend he did.
“Enough of this SHIT,” I declared, unleashing my big bitch. “Now I’m gunna teach you 25 ways to call me Big Daddy, and FUCK me.”
Hagrid goldfished, and man, that cranked my turn. I ripped his pants off and ogled at the size of his humongous cock. It was at least a foot and a half long, no doubt. I dug my fingernails into his beast-like back, and got in front of him.
“Now FUCK ME, BITCH,” I screamed, well aware that the whole ship could probably hear me. I bent over, and got ready to take it like a man. I felt nothing, and whipped my neck around. Hagrid was trying to get away.
“Hey BITCH, when I tell you to FUCK me, I MEAN it,” I demanded, slapping Hagrid clear on the ass. He grimaced, and waddled over to our *area*. I bent over once again, and dug fingernails into Hagrid’s arm once again. He did that lil’ girl’s shriek again, and then I felt it.
Hagrid fucked my ass, and I felt my eyes bug out a million feet. It HURT, shit, but I liked it. “YEAH, BITCH,” I yelled, slapping whatever I could reach on Hagrid. He sighed lazily, and continued penetrating me. I felt like dying, and I knew it was time to stop that shit.
“Okay, you can stop now,” I gasped, choking on my own words. He pulled his junk out of me and I staggered over to a pile of ropes. I found that sitting was not an option, so I covered up my pain by trying to lean casually against the wall. “So... was it good for you?”
Hagrid hoisted up his pants, put his coat on, flipped me the bird, and stalked away.
“Call me...” I called after him.
I did up my own trousers and straightened out my robes. Shrugging off the experience like a bling bling in a rainstorm, I got to my feet and began to walk away towards the back rail of the ship. I believe it’s called the stern. Yeah, I know my ocean jive. I’m a fuckin’ sailor.
Upon reaching the back rail, I saw my date, whats-her-face, leaning against the railing. She didn’t look so beast-like in the cool, lake breeze. I decided to go get summa’ that.
“Hey bitch,” I greeted her, stirring up my goblet of love. I needed some mo’ sex, and I needed it NOW. I whipped out my bling bling, spun it around in circles and winked suggestively, hitting my gold tooth. I screeched. “Uhh... nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
She smiled, closed her eyes and let go of the railing.